Church thinks I’m too old to marry the pastor

May 22, 2023

Dear Pastor,

I am 42 years old and my boyfriend is 36. We have been friends for three years. He is in the Christian ministry. I attend the church that he leads. I was a member of this church before he became the pastor. My parents are also members of this church.

This young man took over the leadership of the church after the previous pastor left. He is not a full-time minister and he does not live in the area. He comes to the community on Sunday mornings, or sometimes on Saturdays. When he comes on a Saturday, he stays at our house.

After a few months, some of the deacons told him that he shouldn't stay at our house because I am there and people were saying that we are together. At that time, there was nothing between the pastor and me.

My parents told him that he should try and find another place to stay, because of what the deacons heard. My parents knew that this guy and I were not having a relationship at the time. But to stop the rumour, they told him to find another place.


The pastor began to stay at the house of two other deacons. He did not like it there, so he travelled to the district every Sunday morning for church. After a while he fell in love with me, and he told the church that he loved me and wanted to marry me. That's when all hell broke loose.

Some members accused him of having me as his girlfriend from the time that he started to sleep at our house. Others say that my parents tied him to me, and I am too old for him. They even had it to say that I got pregnant and had an abortion.

I could not put up with the arguments from these people who said that they were Christians, so I stopped attending the church. Because of the conflict, the bishop visited the church to have a meeting, which I told him that I would not attend.

I have decided that I will not go back to the church until the pastor and I are married. Some of the members are still arguing over my age. They say I am too old for this man. I don't know how you feel about it, Pastor.

Please give me your opinion.


Dear L.,

The truth is that these people should mind their own business. They have nothing to do. You are only six years older than this man. I see nothing wrong why the both of you should not be married. These members should try to reach out to other folk and to bring them into the church, instead of becoming so cantankerous.

The young man was staying at your parents' house whenever he came on a Saturday. Why should members make a fuss about that? They did so because they have dirty minds. And why should they accuse you of becoming pregnant and terminating a pregnancy? Oh, the dirty things some church people would say from time to time.

If you and this young man love each other, try and build your future together and ignore what these members are saying.


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