Fiancé and I lied about having premarital sex

May 25, 2023

Dear Pastor,

I am 21 and my boyfriend is 23. He is the first in everything for me. He took my virginity. He said he did not believe that I was a virgin.

He said when he asked me for sex and I told him I was a virgin, he was eager to have sex with me to prove that I was lying. I didn't have to lie about my virginity because I was afraid to have sex. My older sister, who is two years older than I am, told me that the first time she had sex, it was painful. So I did not want to have that painful experience. After I had sex I realised that her boyfriend was very large and because of his oversized penis, they broke up.

My boyfriend has an average size. He is not more than five inches. Although he is my first boyfriend, he has had other girlfriends and he is not afraid to discuss them with me. He doesn't call their names. But he told me that on one occasion, his mother caught him having sex with the neighbour's daughter. Instead of scolding him, his mother scolded the girl because she was 10 years older and she had a child. He lied to his mother when the young woman left and told his mother that the girl forced him to do it.

I have been going to church regularly and we are going to counselling often. Some of the questions from the pastor are embarrassing. Pastor does not take the sessions, it is done by one of the deacons and his wife. When there are matters about sex, they separate us and the deacon questions us about whether we are having sex and how often, and if there is a problem with penetration. My fiance and I have decided that we are not talking the truth about sex because if we were to tell them the truth, they would say that I should not wear a white gown to my wedding. So we told them that we have never had sex.

I always wanted to wear a white gown for my wedding. My fiance's favourite colour is grey so he plans to get married in a dark grey suit. My father will pay for the reception and we are in the process of choosing a hotel for the reception. We want to have a church wedding. Some of the questions they ask us at counselling are not necessary.


Dear B.A.,

Although your fiance and you have lied to the counsellors, let me say that I am glad that both of you have taken time to go for counselling. At least the church has made efforts to carry on its pastoral duties. Your fiance and you perhaps felt embarrassed to answer some of these questions.

Concerning the wearing of white gown, it's an old tradition and it has meaning. Persons who wear the white wedding dress are saying to the world that it represents purity and innocence. We know that in today's world that is not necessarily true. Many brides dress in white and they have been married not just once or twice, but sometimes more. The train that the bride wears symbolises the bride's willingness to follow her husband and be led by him. Wearing a wedding dress is also a way for the bride to show her respect for the institution of marriage. Whatever you choose to wear, make sure you go into marriage loving your husband and that both of you pledge to love each other and to work together in building a strong relationship, because marriage is honourable and noble.


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